dead disco

"White trash get down on your knees, time for cake and sodomy."

2005-08-30T18:48:00.000-04:00

Above: Pop star/fashion disaster Avril Lavigne rocks out with her cock out while proving society's lack of need for trucker hats.

ATTN: Woman on bus who was the closest thing to white trash I've ever seen (And I come from a small, small town)

I want to thank you for playing your discman super, super loud so everyone on the bus can hear your nifty Avril Lavigne CD. I also want to thank you for passionately mouthing the lyrics, putting the rest of us on the bus in that awkward position between "Look away, don't stare, pretend you don't notice the incredible lack of coolness, one might say, a black hole of coolness, sitting across from me" and "Oh my God, I'm going to stare at her and mock her with my hateful eyes because if you're going to listen to Avril Lavigne, you deserve to be eye-mocked."

I'd also like to thank you for getting that god awful, redundant Avril song in my head. Y'know, that song. The annoying one. No, the other one.

FAG

2005-08-19T18:50:00.000-04:00

1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.

1.~How did you meet dangerlad? We were on a ship that went down in the pacific, where we washed up on an island. We made instruments out of coconuts and formed a band called the I Know Kung Fus.
2.~What would you do if you had never met dangerlad? I'd probably be dead in a ditch. Or rich and famous. One or the other.
3.~What do you honestly think of dangerlad? He's a faggottyassFaggot. But that only deepens my love.
4.~Would or did dangerlad and dangerlad go out? No, but if he could date himself, I'm fairly confident he would be all over himself like stink on a monkey.
5.~Have you ever liked dangerlad? You should see my giant Rob shrine in my closet. Ha ha, it's in the closet. I made a funny.
6.~If dangerlad died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would need him/her to know? I would just avenge his death with a death ray.
7.~Would murmul and dangerlad make a good couple? As long as Phil doesn't kill Rob. Because that would suck.
8.~Describe dangerlad in 3 words: Fag, faggy, faggot.
9.~Do you think dangerlad is hot? He's a sexy mofo.
10.~Would dangerlad and dangerlad make a lovely couple? Lovely, if not creepy.
11.~What do you think of when you see dangerlad? Paris Hilton as a drag queen.
12.~Tell me something humiliating about dangerlad: Um.... running out of time... so I will just say..... FAG
13.~Do you know any of dangerlad's family members? I met his sister, who is far cooler than he is.
14.~What's dangerlad's favorite color? He tells me blue.
15.~On a scale of 1-10 how cute is dangerlad? A million.
16.~What would you do if dangerlad just professed their undying love for you? Marry him until he cheated on me with the sad dude from the OC
17.~What language does dangerlad speak? Fag
18.~Who is dangerlad going out with? He has an assortment of boyfriends.
19.~Is dangerlad a boy or a girl? Fagboy
20.~Would dangerlad and dangerlad make a good couple? already answered.
21.~Who do you think dangerlad would be great with from this list? It's between himself and Jenny so I'm going to say... Himself.
22.~When was the last time you talked to dangerlad? I'm talking to him right now.
23.~What is dangerlad's favorite band? He LOVES Rod Stewart and his daughter.
24.~Does murmul have any siblings? Indeed.
25.~Would you ever date dangerlad? We would be the bitchiest, cattiest couple ever and just bitch and cat at all other couples. Until he cheated on me with the sad guy from the OC.
26.~Would you ever date dangerlad? See above.
27.~Is dangerlad single? He's married to the sea(men).
28.~What is dangerlad's last name? Bain
29.~What is dangerlad's middle name? Keith James
30~What is dangerlad's fantasy? It involves being rich and famous and male celebrities in cages.
31.~Where does dangerlad live? Guelph/Mississauga/Fagtown
32.~Would you make out with dangerlad? I'd catch fag from him.
33.~Are dangerlad and dangerlad best friends? When they're not bitching about eachother behind they're faggy backs.
34.~Does dangerlad like dangerlad? They'd probably cat fight if they met.
35.~How did you meet dangerlad? I explained this already. Ship, coconuts, band.
36.~Is dangerlad older than you? Negatory.
37.~Is dangerlad the sexiest person alive? Oh course.

The Electrified Sexy Machine aka Celebrate, bitches! Pt. II

2005-08-15T17:27:00.000-04:00

So. Friday night marked Rachel's birthday celebration... Part two!!! Thanks to Le Rob and Jenny, we can relive that night forever in digital pictures!! Oh, what a time to be alive. So here we go, Dead Disco Presents: A Photo Essay - Rachel's Birthday

Upon my arrival, I was presented a gift from Jenny called The Mulder, a drink composed of vodka and orange concentrate. My friends, if you think this tastes like a screwdriver, you are wrong. It is completely hideous and disgusting, only suitable for obsessed FBI agents who witnessed their sisters abduction when they were twelve. I once told Jenny that I could out-X-Files her any day, thus, she presented this to me asking me to name the episode it was from. And, oh, I knew. "Syzygy", my friends, season three. Yes, I am undefeated. And slightly pathetic.

Jenny also came bearing these:

Oh yes. It was a good night.

The night started with a wild game of Life, that was canned midway through due to lack of concentration caused by the Mulder and the jello shots. All I know, is before the game ended, I became a cop, had a lesbian wedding with Madonna and had a baby girl.

Rob, myself and Phil make sweet love to Jenny's jello. You heard me.

Maggie and Luke show us why our drunken card games never last.

Nicole Ritchie called and told me she wanted her look back. So I threatened to make her eat food and she backed off.

...And then Sheeman and I tag-teamed her. True story.*

*May not actually be true.

I don't know what Rob's holding in this picture, but I'm fairly confident that he is about to place it on his nipple. He's like that.

Rob: [in serious voice] "Look, I need to tell you something really important. [whispers] I'm drunk."

The Mulder and I, looking rather pissed to be having our picture taken.

Jenny: "I can totally deep throat that camera."

That is my wrist, with a quote from Rob written on it. It says "I'm one fucked up whore." He said this after seeing a picture of himself where he claims he "looks like a monkey caught in the act of masturbating." Unfortunately, I do not have a copy of this Kodak moment. However, I will say this: It does involve nipples... as usual.

This is Jenny's arm with one of her quotes written on it, such quote being "If you have the power clit that I do..." I don't remember much from this conversation, other than something about an electric toothbrush. I'll leave it at that.

The quote written on the back of my arm would be my own proclamation to Luke that "if [he] had an electrified sexy machine [he] couldn't out-sexy us."

...And this would be the picture that provoked it. You see that glint of sexy confidence in our eyes? Nope, it's just the booze.

But Luke still couldn't out-sexy us. Moving on.

Speaking of Luke, this is him accusing me of something. Most likely the fact that I may or may not have attacked him with pennies and fake kung-fu moves upon his refusal to moon the cars passing by. Not to leave anyone disapointed, we had our fair share of exhibitionism from Jenny, which will not be displayed here. Jello shots, the Mulder, and partial nudity, that Jenny knows how show a girl a happy birthday!

And thanks to Le Rob for allowing us to convene in his apartment, annoy his neighbours and witness the revival of drunk Rob, whom we all know and love.

All in all, a happy birthday!

It's my birthday. Celebrate, bitches!

2005-08-11T20:41:00.000-04:00

Well, my birthday festivities started out last night with some friends at the bar, good times had by all. The birthday festivities are going end tomorrow night with a blow-out at Le Rob's. Stories to be posted asap. In the meantime, here are some select quotes from last nights festivities.

Strange, 40 year old lesbian: "So are you guys all bisexuals?"
Me: "...No. We're all straight."
Strange, 40 year old lesbian: "Oh, I thought you were all bisexual."
Me: [Uncomfortable] "Um, no."

Friend: "I dare you to simulate sex with one other person in the room while pretending to be a washing machine."

Friend: "I like big nuts and I cannot lie."

Me: "I dare you to do your best riverdance impression while screaming out your worst obscenities like you have tourret syndrome."

Strange, 40 year old lesbian: "Twenty-two? You're way out of my league!"
Friend: "She also doesn't have a penis. Except for the twelve inch pink, plastic one. I've seen it."
Me: "It's true."
Strange, 40 year old lesbian: "Well, seeing as I'm a lesbian, it doesn't really make a difference."
Friend: "...I am so sorry, I didn't know."
Me: "That shut you up."
Friend: "It certainly did."

"I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier."

2005-08-05T21:43:00.000-04:00

...Because the word soldier, it starts with a "sol" sound like the word soul, they sound the same, get it?

*sigh*

I HATE THIS LYRIC.

I see it posted everywhere, websites, blogs, msn.

I HATE IT.

People, this is the type of lyric that fifteen year olds and stupid people put as their MSN name thinking it's "profound".

I'm sorry, but this needs to be done.

ATTN: Brandon Flowers

There is one man, and one man only, who can write lyrics this cheesey, be this ambiguous, and yet we can still take him seriously.

That man is Morrissey.

I know this will come as a shock to you, after hearing your music, BUT YOU ARE NOT MORRISSEY. You will never be Morrissey. Only one man is Morrissey and that is Morrissey and no one will ever be as wonderfully cheesey and ambiguous as Morrissey, because, let's face it, Morrissey put cheesey and ambiguous on the map, and not in that glam-ambiguous-but-still-kinda-flaming way that David Bowie did it. Please think of less obvious and out-right bad ways of channelling your idol.

Thanks,
Rachel

Madonna is a cock tease

2005-07-15T16:23:00.000-04:00

Tee hee.

The Madonna vs. Mariah Death Match

2005-07-08T00:48:00.000-04:00

SNAP!

Oh no she didn't.

For Flesh's play-by-play of Madonna and Mariah's death match, click here.

"I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me."

2005-07-04T21:42:00.000-04:00

"Vogue bitches!"

...And this is why I love Madonna.

"They call me plump, but I throw up all the time."

2005-06-29T20:46:00.000-04:00

I believe Courtney Love is entering her Debra Harry stage. Only with less class, less coolness, less talent and more drugs.

"I believe in peace, bitch."

2005-06-18T21:45:00.000-04:00

MY GOD.

What the hell happened to Tori Amos?

I've been a fan of Tori for a long time, so I'm aware that she's a little nuts, what with her seeing faeries and talking about sleeping with Jesus, but THE HAIR, MY GOD, THE HAIR. Did she get into a fight with her crimping iron? Why would she even have a crimping iron? Why should anyone, quite frankly? And the make-up? It's like Ziggy Stardust meets Barbie. Who, might I add, are two people who should never meet. And then there's this pink satin mumu thing, which is just... wrong. Very wrong.

Someone help her, please.

"Be careful with me, I'm fragile, I'm a bitch babe, and I'm on fire."

2005-06-07T01:38:00.000-04:00

So, as any Garbage fan knows, the only thing that is as important as the music is Shirley's hair and clothes. It's just common sense. And I would like to take this time to point out she has fantastic shoes:

I want them.

Anyway, I would also like to take this time to do an homage to Shirley as the sassy redheaded that I love. Blog on!

Shirley in her humble Garbage beginings, post Angelfish. Her hair was big, her make-up was fantastic and I LOVED HER. I owned the Us magazine that this picture was in. For everyone who has ever gone jewellry with me, I would like to specify that I do believe that this picture is the origin of my love of big, oversized rings.

Upon the release of Version 2.0, Shirley's hair got smaller and straighter and she was all sleek. This is about the time when I realized how truly Scottish and pale she really is. Which is great because I'm Scottish and pale. Honestly, my face has enough pale to light a country road at midnight.

...And then Shirley started morphing into some type of futuristic-dominatrix thing, but I still dug it.

(I also had the Spin magazine that this was published in. As I said, I loves me some Shirley.)

At the release of BeautifulGarbage, the hair looked good...

And then this happened.

Now, I know she was going for the androgenous-Annie-Lennox look, and who am I to complain? I likes me some Annie, too, but Shirley had to be kicked out of my Duo of Sassy Redheads that I'm in Love With (the remainder of the duo being the lovely Tori Amos, of course - who later had to be removed as well due to her decision to go blonde as well - I felt so rejected). And then the BeautifulGarbage look went to new levels...

...And I loves me some Blondie, but damn, I think Debbie's fug is rubbing off on Shirley in this picture. Deb's rocking the psuedo-hip grandma look and Shirley's rocking the deranged circus clown look. I'm fairly confident that they're laughing because they LOOKED IN THE MIRROR.

Now I'm not going to comment on Shirley's initial Bleed Like Me look because I think that horse has been beaten enough and we all know how I feel and I try to repress those memories.

...But I knew she wouldn't disappoint. I knew she had a mirror somewhere in her house. Still loves me the Shirley!

"Dead disco, dead funk, dead rock n' roll."

2005-06-06T19:03:00.000-04:00

I would say that I'm mostly a rock fan. But today, with bands like the abhorrent Linkin Park leading the way, I'm ashamed to say I like rock music. It has become boring, uninteresting and just as hollow as bad pop music.

So what the hell am I supposed to listen to? Ashlee Simpson? (that was for you, Rob)

*shoots herself*

(I'm getting a feeling that maybe I should get a new least-favourtie band, because I seem to hate on Linkin Park a lot.

*Linkin Park song comes on radio*

No, they are the most hated for a reason.)

"I'm begging you to drag you down with me, to kick the last nail in."

2005-06-05T22:49:00.000-04:00

As previously posted:

Morrissey's all "GRRRR."

And Robert Smith is also all "GRRRR."

MATCH, SET, FIGHT!

"Sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking when I said I'd like to smash every tooth in your head."

2005-06-05T22:39:00.000-04:00

I just want everyone to know, anyone who pisses me off is now officially going to get the MORRISSEY PUNCH!:

So watch out.

"Where do you fit in?"

2005-06-02T22:27:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed that music genres seem to influence people to dress and act in certain ways? Have you ever thought about how different we may feel about Spice Girls fans if we didn't have neat little genres to put everything into? And have you ever noticed that the music genres we have today are so frekin' stupid and uncool in comparison to what they used to be? I decided to put together a description of some popular music genre categories so you, my friend, can see where you fit in, in the grand scheme of things.

GOTH

Music: Goth associated bands range all over the board, but some goth household names are of course Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson and The Cure. Some other bands appreciated by various goths are Depeche Mode, Garbage and Tool. You're also very attracted to bands that wear a lot of make-up, black clothes, use synthesizers and heavy guitars and complain about how the world let them down.

Idols: Trent Reznor; if you're really depressed, Bauhaus

Clothes: Lots of black and red; boots that are impossible to walk in; metal/leather accessories; fishnets; about anything you can find in the Halloween costume section in Wal-Mart.

Interests: Vampires; death; black stuff; depression; self pity and apathy

Attitude: Life is pain! The world is a complete let down, although you're not sure why and refuse to take any action to make it a better place. Instead, you'll pretend to be depressed and misunderstood and call all those who don't act and dress like you conformists... Even though you conform to other goths in order to fit in with them. Whatever. I could be wrong. No one understands a goth. That's the point. We're not supposed to. We're just conformists. Ya. Remember gothies: "I'd rather be a pussy crying kid than a faggy goth kid."

PUNK

Music: Fast, guitars with a redundant anti-establishment message that you probably don't understand; The Clash, but only because it's cool to wear their t-shirts - you probably have never heard of London Calling.

Idols: Johnny Rotten

Clothes: Plaid; short skirts with weird, retro designs on them; fishnets; random "funky" jewelry; Doc Martins or Chuck Taylors; fitted jeans; a mohawk; possibly make-up; some could almost pass for goth if they weren't so goddamn stupid

Interests: Misguided civil disobedience; being young and destructive; wrecking perfectly good clothes by writing the names of all your favourite bands on it (Newsflash: No one really cares what bands you like! We can see you're punk and can guess on our own!); swear words; graffiti; acting angry for no good reason

Attitude: Like goths, you believe the world has somehow let you down, however, instead of sitting around and complaining about it, most punks like to take action by pointlessly writing anti-establishment slogans that no one will read on walls and bus terminals. Such actions taken by punks may be to write "propaganda!" on top of an advertisement at a bus stations. Newsflash: Writing propaganda on an advertisement is propaganda! You have a very anti-establishment attitude, however, you're unaware of what the establishment is, and instead just like to rebel against the "man". You like to declare yourself as "young, poor and angry", however, you most likely live in the suburbs, have mommy and daddy pay for everything and are very globally unaware and thus have very little reason to be angry. Whatever man! Screw America!

"SKATER"

Music: Bubble-gum "punk"; punkish sounding bands that have numbers in their name; any band that write songs that would make good jokes

Idols: Blink-182

Clothes: "Skater" shoes, most likely by Osiris or Vans; baggy pants or shorts, most likely kakhis; t-shirts with a "punkish" clothing company's logo on it; a baseball hat; spikey hair; a skateboard (even if you don't use it, just carry it - you'll look cool, kiddies!)

Interests: Skateboards (even if you can't skate!)

Attitude: You are punk's demented offspring. Thus, you embody many of the musical interests as punk, however, you lack the mental capacity to understand how fucked up the world is, and thus, could care less. Only a skater punk can get away with wearing those t-shirts with logos on it because real punks would label you a conformist and accuse you of spreading propaganda. Of course, the "real" punk is most likely wearing something from Old Navy, but won't admit it, but whatever. As a skater punk, you most likely don't know what the word propaganda means. Whatever, man.

EMO

Music: Bands that rock, but are still sensitive to cry when they need to.

Idols: Some sad guy looking longingly over his guitar i.e. Connor Oberst

Clothes: Anything from a second hand store; retro tees; fitted jeans; sweater vests; shaggy hair; looking all messed up, even though it took you an hour to get that look; those black rimmed Buddy Holly glasses (even if you don't need them); overall, you look like Rivers Cuomo

Interests: Playing your guitar with a frown on your face

Attitude: As punk's loser cousin, you are sad and sensitive. In general, you're a pussy.

POP

Music: Whatever's popular, hence the "pop"

Idols: A random blonde songstress, whichever one is top of the charts right now. I can no longer tell them apart.

Clothes: Anything that's in fashion right now! The skankier the better!

Interests: boys; your hair; who Britney's dating; MTV; I'm guessing you watch Friends

Attitude: You generally take what you're given. You have a lack of desire and mental capacity to seek out alternate sources of music, and thus, spend your life listening to what's been fed to you by big media and what the mainstream says is popular. You still don't seem to understand that just because a song is #1 on Billboard, it doesn't mean it's good - Remember people, The Macarena and Ice, Ice Baby were #1 once, as well. You follow trends like Britney follows Madonna and stick to what the masses say is "cool". Thus, you're rather unoriginal and boring, but hey, at least you look good.

THE D0WNL0AD3R

Music: Same as pop

Idols: The kid who invented napster

Clothes: You never leave your room, thus, clothes are unimportant

Interests: Kazaa; MSN messenger

Attitude: Since the day you realized that you could download songs, you have ceased purchasing CDs completely. Thus, because you no longer have to sacrifice something of your own to get music, you've lost most respect for it. Music has now become the process of finding that one song you like, saving it as a file on your hard drive, and then deleting it when the song isn't popular anymore. The idea of music being something sacred is lost on you. You don't have interests in "bands" or "albums", just their popular singles. Seeing as you never purchase CDs, you never hear any songs other than the singles, and thus, never really get into a band. It's because of you that we have so many bands that make their career on one hit wonders, instead of solid albums. In reality, you don't know how to actually use a computer, only how to use your Kazaa. Computer nerds and rocks snobs everywhere hate you.

JOCK ROCK

Music: It's gotta rock! And not make you think too much! i.e. Nickleback

Idols: You don't know what that word means. You like AC/DC a lot, but don't know who Angus Young is, so um yeah. Partaaaay!

Clothes: You're a jock, you don't care about clothes! That's gay!

Interests: Chicks; beer; you like to rock out with your cock out

Attitude: You lack the mental capacity to have an attidue. If it doesn't say "beer" or "girls", it's not interesting. You will most likely grow up to be a bouncer. Or the President of the United States.

WUSS ROCK

Music: Coldplay; Travis

Idols: You tell everyone Tom Yorke, but you mean Kenny G

Clothes: You wear frilly shirts when no one's there to laugh at you, or kick your pansy ass.

Interests: Calling Radiohead geniuses.

Attitude: You're also a pussy, and lack attitude.

RAP/HIP HOP

Music: It's all about the beats, man.

Idols: Russel Simmons

Clothes: MALE - Baggy, baggy pants, so baggy that your ass shows; baggy, baggy shirts, so baggy it could be mistaken for a mumu; brand name running shoes, Nike, Addidas, Reebok, whichever's most expensive; extensive bling, to the point where you weigh hundreds of pounds more due to your jewelry; bandanas; FEMALE - tight pants; tight, short skirts; shirts that show as much skin as possible; you also need to be iced up with your bling, but do it more tastefully; big hair; high heels; big earrings; pink or baby blue little sweat suits

Interests: Clubbing; ganstas - even though you've probably never been near a ghetto in your life; selling your soul for money and popularity; wasting that money on bling and rims for your car

Attitude: Lots of it. You like to walk as though you have a bowling ball lodged in your ass, and this emphasizes your attitude. It's all about the money and looking good while you waste it. Guns. Drugs. Fuck the cops, man! But when some real thugs steal your rims, you're going to turn to them for help. The "man" is out to get you, however, you are probably white and suburban and have mommy and daddy pay for everything, so technically, you are the "man". If you were ever actually in South Central LA, you would soil yourself out of fear.

CHICK ROCK

Music: Female, angry and yet, still sensitive

Idols: Sarah McLaughlin

Clothes: Long skirts with flowers on them; anything with flowers on it

Interests: Feminism; possibly lesbianism

Attitude: You are one of those "strong, smart, independent" women (or womyn or grrrrrls, whatever), however, you're not smart enough to see that most of the chick singers write the same crap every song and can't seem to do anything original. You think Tori Amos is weird and don't understand her. Courtney Love scares you. So does any woman who can actually rock.

TECHNO KIDDIES

Music: "Electronica"; any band that's foreign and makes all of it's music on computers

Idols: Kraftwerk

Clothes: Baggy pants; glow sticks

Interests: Raves; dancing as though your limbs are independent of your body

Attitude: Rock is boring, so it's time we moved on to the next big thing: Techno! You can differentiate between those techno songs that everyone else says sound the same. You long to be a DJ, but years of listening to nothing but techno beats has left your mind liquified.

NU-METAL

Music: Metal-rap; anything where a little white guys sings and then a little white guy raps; anything with pointless anger

Idols: Fred Durst

Clothes: Red baseball cap

Attitude: You are the bastard child of goth and jock rock. Where jock rockers just wanna rock, you wanna rock and be very, very angry. At what? I dunno, just break stuff. When you're not too busy being angry at nothing, you like to spend your time wollowing in self pity, just like your goth, whore of a mother. You scream "I won't be ignored!", but unfortunately, anyone with an IQ over 10 is smart enough to ignore you.

CAN ROCK

Music: Anything by those lovable nineties Candian rockers!

Idols: Raine Maida

Clothes: You fit in somewhere between the emos and the skaters

Interests: Edgefest; Chart magazine

Attitude: You love to support the homegrown talent. You bitch and whine about how Canadian artists don't get enough attention south of the border and how our musicians are far better than those American rocks bands. You are so blinded by patriotism that you can't seem to realize that many of these Canadian bands are just as bad as their American counter parts and that the mainstream music in Canada is just as bad as it is in the states. You are so blinded by patriotism that you can't seem to see that Sloan rips off the Beatles like JT rips off MJ. You go on and on about how MuchMusic is far superior to MTV, even though there's no longer much difference between the two. You actually watch the Junos, but of course, prefer the MuchMusic Video Awards. You enjoy hearing Matthew Good shoot his mouth off, and you picked sides in that rediculous MGB vs. OLP "Who's more derivative" media battle, even though they were both rather derivative bands and the idea that they would fight over that is baffling and stupid. You still probably aren't dumb enough to think Nickleback is good.

TOOL FANS

Music: Tool; A Perfect Circle; anything that is pre-Maynard approved

Idols: Maynard James Keenan

Clothes: Tool t-shirts, however, it is frowned upon to wear them to Tool/APC concerts. Yes. You are THAT self-righteous.

Interests: Being deep and philosophical. You disagree with Freud when he said that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. A cigar is never JUST a cigar! It's symbolic of something! And fisting is never just fisting!

Attitude: You may actually be a goth. However, it doesn't matter if you happen to also fit into any of the other categories above, you Tool fans are all the same. You are a self-righteous fuck. So self-righteous, that Tool actually hates you. There is one distinction between you and goths. While goths just think that the world hates them, the world actually does hate you. Die, you pseudo-intelligent losers.

THE ROCK SNOB

Music: Anything, but it can't be mainstream or popular.

Idols: The morons at Pitchfork media

Clothes: You probably look like an emo, but won't admit it.

Interests: Knowing obscure musical facts; knowing your city's music scene like the back of your hand; knowing bands that no one else does, and trying to keep it that way; thinking bands are cool if they're unpopular, even if they suck; rejecting mainstream music, even if it's good; calling Radiohead geniuses

Attitude: No one understands music the way you do. You've become so good at rejecting the mainstream, that if a song has a video on high rotation on a music channel, it's gotta suck. You believe that the masses are generally stupid when it comes to music, and although you're most likely right, you have forgotten that music is subjective to the listener and that listening to music is supposed to be about feeling something while listening to a song, not looking cool while listening to a song. You don't seem to realize that the so-called music "fans" of today are far more influenced by genres and the hype surrounding bands than by the songs themselves. You, the rock snob, seem to have forgotten that that is what being a music fan is all about. Just listen to the goddamn song, you pretentious prick! P.S. Radiohead is overrated.

Please do not comment to complain about how wrong I am and how I have filled this webpage with sweeping generalizations. I don't fucking care. If you care that much, you're most likely are a loser who fits into one of these categories anyway.

Of the limp variety...

2005-06-02T22:15:00.000-04:00

What's wrong with music today? The fact that I asked this question today:

"How do you spell bizkit?"

Of course, the answer was "I dunno, it's too stupid to care."

Motherfucking P-I-M-P?

2005-06-02T21:33:00.000-04:00

I don't get it.

It's like white-bread-american-government-approved-gangstah-badass, no?

People who don't do that because they understand how fucking stupid they look: 1
Jessica Simpson: 0

"Read my blog. Read it, bitch!"

2005-06-02T21:27:00.000-04:00

[21:12] rob: LJ is so addictive
[21:13] debaser: I like looking at loser blogs
[21:13] debaser: and then mocking them
[21:13] rob: yeaaaaah, me too, but I never post so I feel like that makes it okay
[21:14] debaser: people totally read our blogs and think we're losers
[21:14] debaser: but I'll smite them when I rule the world
[21:15] rob: NO THEY DON'T!~
[21:15] rob: i'm fairly convinced I have a silent-following.
[21:15] debaser: rob: yeaaaaah, me too, but I never post so I feel like that makes it okay
[21:16] debaser: there's your silent following

"Fear of a female planet?"

2005-06-02T20:06:00.000-04:00

Kim Gordon, Sonic Youth

FIVE WORDS: DAVID BOWIE IN A WIG

Jesus.

"Faster than fashion."

2005-05-30T20:46:00.000-04:00

If I ever have an Afghan dog, with long bleach blonde hair and eyes that can barely stay open due to overdone fake eyelashes/addiction to various drugs, I'm going to name it Donatella Versace.

"As the flames rose to her roman nose, and her walkman started to melt."

2005-05-23T01:25:00.000-04:00

I don't care. Say what you want about how flamingly gay he may be, Morrissey is THE SEX. *purrrs*

Look at him. Morrissey's all "GRRRR."

HOT.

The Quotable Rob

2005-05-22T20:22:00.000-04:00

"No one ever thinks I'm going to win, but I come from behind."
-Rob

That's all I have to say for now, please visit Rob's Blog to read more about last night's sexy aventures in alcohol and card games

"When I was the rat, the rat who would be king, I imagined typhoid and us alone."

2005-05-20T23:57:00.000-04:00

I would like to take this time to apologize to Paula Abdul.

In a previous post, I called Miss Abdul the biggest moron on television.

Well, although she is still ONE of the biggest morons on television, I would like to say that as of Wednesday, May 18, Miss Abdul was usurped as the biggest moron on television by none other than, you guessed it:

Yep. The Britster.

Rob, I and some companions sat down on this chilly Wednesday night to watch the debut of Kevin and Britney: Chaotic.

What can I now say about Britney? Nothing that I didn't already suspect! The show just further pushes my suspicions that:

1. Not only is Britney on drugs, she's on A LOT of REALLY REALLY GOOD drugs.
2. Britney is just a spoiled little girl who's never known a world outside of Hollywood.
3. She's on drugs. Just thought I'd re-iterate.
4. K-Fed is a moron. Maybe a bigger moron than her. He's also in it for the money. And he's rat-like. Even more rat-like on hand-held cameras.
5. Britney can't use a hand-held. I never really suspected this, but it's true.

So yeah. I don't know what else to say. Maybe because I don't remember that last half due to the fact that I felt incapable of watching the show without doing heavy drinking and got loaded while watching it. Time well spent.

P.I.M.P.

2005-05-16T13:01:00.000-04:00

50 Cent Avoids Jail

The conditions that Fiddy needs to uphold in order to avoid jail are:

1. He must take an anger management course.

"Hello, my name's Fiddy and I have a problem."
This will be said before he threatens the teacher at gunpoint, steals his wallet and then brings in his hoochies with the milk and honey.

2. He must make an educational anti-violence video.

I find it kinda sad that the only way he'll make an anti-violence video is to avoid jailtime. As oppose to, y'know, doing it for the sake of teaching his young fans that shooting that guy who stole your bike IS NOT THE ANSWER.

3. He must undergo random drug testing for two years.

Bahhhahahahahhahahaaahaaaa! BURN. He's going to fail this.

4. He must pay out-of-pocket medical expenses to the three alleged victims.

Good.

5. He must not carry a gun in Massachusetts.

Well... That's nice for those fine people in Massachusetts. But what about the rest of us out there in areas with no gun bans on 50 Cent? It's okay for him to carry a gun in New York, but y'know, not Massachusettes! That would be dangerous! And I know I'm in Canada, so technically, there are federal laws requiring Fiddy to go gunless, but I find it hard to believe that when he tours Canada, he leaves his guns at home. It's nice to know that a man who needs ANGER MANAGEMENT classes is allowed to carry a gun. The world is not safe. Well, Massachusetts is.

"An interstellar burst! I'm back to save the universe."

2005-05-15T22:25:00.000-04:00

After watching Hitchhiker's guide to the Universe, I though I would post some universal truths with you all to make sure we're all on the same page:

Joy Division > New Order >>>>>>> Monacco
Jefferson Airplane >>>>>> Jefferson Starship >>> Starship
Jane's Addiction >>> Porno for Pyros
Rage Against the Machine >>> Soundgarden >>>> Audioslave
Black Flag >>>> Rollins Band
Henry Rollins neck = circumfrence of a rainforest tree trunk
Stone Temple Pilots >>>>> Velver Revolver >>>> Talk Show
Nine Inch Nails >>> Filter
Nine Inch Nails fans cannot be Filter fans.
Severe intestinal cramping >>>> Wings
John >>>>>> Paul
Vinyl > CD
The Simpsons > Family Guy
Blue > Pink
Coke > Pepsi
Dogs > Cats
Me > You

And also:

Tom Cruise is gay.
Keanu Reeves is a bad actor.
Linkin Park sucks.

That is all.

DISCLAIMER TO TOM CRUISE'S LAWYERS: I am, in no way, implying that Tom Cruise is gay by saying that "Tom Cruise is gay" is a universal truth. Why, that would be slander! I'm just saying, in my universe, which may or may not be the same universe as yours, Tom Cruise is a little light in the loafers.

DISCLAIMER TO LINKIN PARK'S LAWYERS: They suck. It's a universal truth in all universes. Face it.

"Every night I burn, dream the crow black dream."

2005-05-15T21:29:00.000-04:00

So I know this doesn't really relate to music, but since the first movie has a fairly influential soundtrack to those of you out there who wear lots of black (shut it whoever is going to comment on my fashion choices), I'm going to mention this.

So the new Crow movie is coming out.

Brandon Lee has been replaced by Edward Furlong. Edward Furlong. Why Edward, why? I used to like you so much, and now I can't look at a picture of you in your black clothes and goth make-up and not laugh.

Guess who else is in it? That dude from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (OH.MY.GOTH.) and Tara Reid. Yes, Tara boob-publicity-stunt Reid. I'm speachless.

Well, at least with Tara Reid, we can count on nudity.

Life is pain. Or I suppose for the Crow, death is pain.

"Our only goal will be the western shore."

2005-05-07T19:06:00.000-04:00

Bands today aren't cool.

Led Zeppelin was cool.

Led Zeppelin could write songs about Lord of the Rings and vikings and still somehow be cool. And not in that nerd cool way. They still managed to pull off rock star cool.

Can Linkin Park do that? I think not. Linkin fucking Park can't even write about depression and be cool, and any band this side of Trent Reznor seems to be able to do that.

And on that note, why is Trent still angry? He's been doing this whole angry, white guy thing for about twenty years now. THAT's consistency.

I still love you Trent. I like you angry. I'm afraid if you weren't angry, you'd get all Sting-esque.

"You should see my scars."

2005-05-03T21:03:00.000-04:00

:::REVIEW
:::Garbage Bleed Like Me

1. Bad Boyfriend

"I wanna hear you call out my name, I wanna see you go up in flames, put you on ice so I can show all my friends, c'mon baby, be my bad boyfriend."

Well... It's cheesey. As you can see by the lyrics, really cheesey. But I'm not going to lie to you, when I first heard it, despite the cheese, I absolutely loved it. It's got Shirley doing what she does best, being sassy and spouting out rather hollow but bitchy lyrics that don't pretend to be anything but hollow and bitchy. I don't think it lives up to previous Garbage opening tracks such as "Supervixen", "Temptation Waits" and "Shut Your Mouth" (yes, even "Shut Your Mouth", despite how crappy the rest of the album is), but it's still good. I wouldn't say it's fantastic, but this first song seemed, at the time, to be promising.

2. Run, Baby, Run

"You know what you believe to be right, so you're not gonna crack, no you're never gonna crack."

"Run, Baby, Run", not to be confused with "Cherry Lips (Go, Baby, Go!)". So, by this point, I'd say I'm moderately impressed with the music, although horridly unimpressed by the lyrics. This song appealed to me the first time I heard it, despite it's cheesey "don't give up" message that's been done a million times. "Run, Baby, Run" has a very "Parade"-esque feel to it, with it's "Life sucks but don't slit your wrists or let your cat sleep on your face" message. Overall, I was impressed with this song, and was convinced that the best lay ahead on the CD.

3. Right Between the Eyes

"Why do you have to give them what they want? The love to watch you as you fall apart."

So, I had been moderately impressed so far... And then "Right Between the Eyes" came on. Yeah, it sucks. There's not much that I can say about this song except... it really sucks. It's extreme filler, and the subject matter focusses on "Being different" and "Don't listen to what the man says" and overdone crap like that. Jesus. Shirley: You're not John Lennon. Or Bob Dylan. Or even fucking Zach de la Rocha. You were doing much better when singing about putting your bad boyfriend on ice to show all your friends.

4. Why Do You Love Me?

"I am rotten to my core if they're to be believed."

I finally get it! I finally see where the appeal of "Why Do You Love Me?" lies! It's because it follows "Right Between the Eyes" on the album, so when you hear it you're all like "This song's kinda shitty, but man, it's way better than that 'Right Between the Eyes' shit". REVELATION!

5. Bleed Like Me

"You should see my scars and try to comprehend what you'll never comprehend."

I would say that this is the first song on Bleed Like Me that I was actually really impressed with. It has a very similar lyrical vibe to it as "Run, Baby, Run", but the song overall has a very Velvet Underground feel to it. After the horror that was "Right Between the Eyes", I felt Bleed Like Me was about to turn around.

6. Metal Heart

"Now that we know for sure they're telling lies when they say no one gets hurt and therefore nobody dies, you know it's hard to believe anything that you hear, they say the world is round."

Let me start off my "Metal Heart" review with a story. Rob heard Bleed Like Me way before I did and lent me his CD so I could get a taste of it. For a while there while I had his CD, I recieved several messages on MSN saying "METAL HEART" and "MHe" (which is of course, the J-Lo equivalent of "Metal Heart"). And then I went to a party at his house, where he was sufficiently drunk and had this conversation:

Rob: (said in extremely loud and drunk voice) "HAVE YOU LISTENED TO METAL HEART YET?!"
Me: "Well..."
Rob: "HAVE YOU LISTENED TO METAL HEART?!"
Me: "Yeah, but only once so far, I couldn't - "
Rob: "WELL Y'SEE METAL HEART IS ONE OF THOSE SONGS THAT WHEN YOU LISTEN TO ONCE YOU LOVE AND... (trails off into incoherent drunk talk ending with something about touching someone's face)."

Well, long story short, Rob loves "Metal Heart".

And I will say this:

"Metal Heart" is fantastic. Although I won't go so far as to say it's the best Garbage song, it's definately the best song on Bleed Like Me. It has a very "Hammering in My Head" vibe to it. Garbage doing what they do best, making rock music you can dance to/dance music you can rock to.

7. Sex is Not the Enemy

"I won't feel guilty no matter what they're telling me, I won't feel dirty and buy into their misery. I won't be shamed cause I believe that love is free, it fuels the heart and sex is not the enemy."

No, Shirley, sex isn't the enemy, but y'know what is? Female musicians who redo and redo the whole "female sexual revolution" thing. Please take "Sex is Not the Enemy" and mail to to Madonna, circa 1987. Thanks.

8. It's All Over but the Crying

"Do you really think I'm made of stone? Baby, c'mon. That we only love the things we own? Baby, you're wrong."

"It's All Over but the Crying" seems to detail the dissolution of Shirley's marriage. Maybe that's pressumptious of me, but I think so. This song is a stereotypical dark, emotional Garbage ballad ala "Over a Cup of Coffee" and "The Trick is to Keep Breathing"... Except "Over a Cup of Coffee" and "The Trick is to Keep Breathing" are far superior. I think I would like this song a lot more if the title was different. And the line "It's all over but the crying" wasn't in it. CHEESE! How many times have I used the words "cheesey" or "cheese" in this review? Hmmm. I think that says something about the album right there!

9. Boys Wanna Fight

"And in a world where good's not good enough, let's get loaded and kick up a fuss."

*sigh*... I don't know where to begin. If the lyrics were different, this could be an excellent song. "Boys Wanna Fight" is apparently political. It's Shirley going on about the whole "If women ruled the world, there'd be no war... blah, blah, blah." Yeah, because women aren't illogical, irrational, bitchy or catty AT ALL. I mean, I love my fellow woman, but really people, do you really think we would do any better than men if we ruled the world?

Female Palestinian Leader: "Um, Israel? Hi, girlfriend. I think you're overusing our water sources again. And the green line is, y'know, kinda starting to infringe on our territory."
Female Israeli Leader: "Well dear, y'know, maybe when the UN recognizes you as a country and you stop suicide bombing us, we'll talk, kay? I've got a manicure I've got to get to."
Female Palestinian Leader: "Well hun, maybe the next time a bunch of displaced Jews need a home after all their friends have been gassed and burned, the Brits can put you in the Antarctic instead of in our holy land, mmkay?"
Female Israeli Leader: "OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" *takes off earings*
Female Palestinian Leader: "BRING IT, BITCH!"

And then the whole situation degrades into a chick fight complete with bitch slaps, hair pulling and each girl calling eachother fat. And as we all know, calling eachother fat is when the nukes are brought out.

Now, of couse, when I, a female, rule the world, things won't be like that, but that's because I'll rule the world like some type of Bond villian, which means if anyone calls me fat or says they don't like my shoes, they'll just be liquified instantly.

But moving on.

10. Why Don't You Come Over?

"You were baking buscuits while I went bent the law, sacrificing something as you counted all my flaws. Why don't you come over and walk in my shoes?"

Mmmmmeeeeehhhhhhhh..... Catchier than "Right Between the Eyes", but just as fillerish. I give it credit for the sass, but it's still meh. By this point I realized that after "Metal Heart", Bleed Like Me just goes downhill.

11. Happy Home

In my happy home, I barely breathe. I Never once in my wayward life was heading to run out."

After, the blah that transpired after "Metal Heart", "Happy Home" is a relief, a good song to end the album with. Not as good as "Milk" or "You Look so Fine" (but then again, nothing can be as good as "You Look so Fine"), but definately in the same vein. Very dark and emotional, and a good finish.

Overall? *sigh*... Overall, I found Bleed Like Me to be rather boring in comparison to other Garbage albums, even BeautifulGarbage, to a certain extent. Even the songs that I liked seemed to fall short of my expectations. With the exception of "Metal Heart", all the better songs are nowhere near the calibre of previous Garbage gems. Maybe I need to listen to it more, but so far, unimpressed. It's a sad day indeed.

"Damn, you've got some wicked style."

2005-04-23T20:19:00.000-04:00

ATTN: Harajuku Girls

RUN FAST, RUN FAR BEFORE LA STEFANI KILLS YOU AND SENDS YOUR CORPSE TO A TAXIDERMIST

I see it happening, I do. However, I really, really, really like Gwen's "Rich Girl" song.

Honestly, I love it.

But this whole Harajuku Girl thing is becoming a bit much.

I'd get me four Harajuku girls to
Inspire me and they'd come to my rescue
I'd dress them wicked, I'd give them names
Love, Angel, Music, Baby
Hurry up and come and save me

The above lyrics are from "Rich Girl" and, man... just, wow. Does anyone else find this a little creepy? Like, MJ and little boys in his bedroom creepy?

"I won't say it if you don't say it first."

2005-04-17T21:23:00.000-04:00

~~Dear New Order~~
Oops.
~~Dear The Cure~~
Shit.
~~Dear The Smiths~~
~~Dear Joy Division~~
Dammit. I mean
Dear The Bravery,

Hi. I just recently saw your video for "An Honest Mistake" on MuchMusic. I apologize for the lateness of my recognition of your band, but I don't have MuchMusic at home. Now, you're going to hear a lot of words thrown around like "Rip-offs" and "unoriginal". Though these words may hurt, I want you to remember that after the horribly overdone 70's garage rock revival, I am happy to see a band as devoted to 80's synth pop/proto-goth revival as you are. It's nice to see a band embrace the always pained, slightly whiny, slightly homosexual aura of the likes of The Smiths, The Cure and Joy Division. Don't let the haters bring you down, Rachel loves you! And that's all that matters.

Love,
Rachel

P.S. Morrissey called, he wants his gay back.

"Go on take everything, take everything, I want you to."

2005-04-17T20:46:00.000-04:00

So, I took another one of those stupid quizzes. This time, it was "What Hole Song are You?"

Apparently, I'm "Violet".
Y'know, the one with the video with all the burlesque whores dancing around.

What the hell does this mean?

Oh well. I guess I should be happy I didn't get "Teenage Whore".

Oops... K-Fed knocked her up

2005-04-16T16:04:00.000-04:00

So, I looked up "scumbag" in the dictionary, and this is what I got.

And then I looked up "manipulated, vapid ditz" and I got this.

And then I looked up "the last thing this world needs" and I got this.

Yep. She's preggers.

I promised myself I wouldn't write about it. I've already written about American Idol and engaged in several Britney vs. Xtina arguments. I didn't want to stoop any lower. But the thought of this news keeps me from sleeping at night and elevates my fears for the future of the Earth.

Britney's going to reproduce.
Not just reproduce, reproduce with "the scumbag" (also known as her husband).

Well, we all know they'll make excellent parents, because K-Fed has a multitude of experience with children seeing as he's got about 25 already with other women. And of course K-Fed will be a wonderful husband during Britney's pregnancy. Y'know, it's not like he left his last girlfriend while she was pregnant so that he could marry Money Bags Spears. No, that never happened *cough*.

Maybe BritBrit can take up knitting when she's left barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen while K-Fed takes off to Vegas with the credit cards again. Or maybe she can call up Justin when K-Fed leaves her for another young, rich starlet. Lindsay Lohan, he's looking in your direction.

I'm sure they'll make excellent parents.

What a moist, naughty boy

2005-04-09T20:52:00.000-04:00

So David Usher is playing Denim here in Guelph on April 21.

When is David Usher going to go back to Moist? Honestly, does he think the stuff he's doing now is good? Not that Moist was particularly spectacular, but it was far superior to his solo crap. Like really, he has a song called "Butterfly". Who the fuck is he, Mariah Carrey?

When I was in high school, I had a friend who was beyond obssessed with Moist/David Usher, so I've seen him/Moist live a few times. My favourite David Usher moment has to be waiting outside the Mike Bullard show to meet him. After he came out and had a picture taken with my friend, my other friend, a gay male, yelled "David Usher makes me Moist!"

Mr. Usher turned around and looked.
My obssessed friend got a look of horror on her face and ran down the street, away from the scene of her embarassment.

That was the last time we saw David Usher.

Good times.

Northern touch

2005-04-05T01:54:00.000-04:00

So the Juno Awards were last night

Yeah. I don't really care either.

But I'm proud to know that Avril Lavigne has now reached that special level of Canadian stardom where she no longer has to actually show up to the Junos.

"Anne Murray has won more Juno awards than any other artist with 24 of the trophies. She is followed by Celine Dion with 20, and Bryan Adams with 18."

Oh god. So embarassed to be Canadian right now.

A Photo Essay: The Life and Times of Paula Abdul

2005-04-04T01:09:00.000-04:00

All of you American Idol fans (I would say Paula Abdul fans, but c'mon, let's be reasonable), if you have a problem with my deep and raging hatred of Paula Abdul, please take it up with my friend Shannon. She is the only reason I have ever seen any episodes of American Idol, and if I had never seen American Idol, I wouldn't hate Ms. Abdul as much as I do. Moving on...

Paula: "Oh yes, that was fantastic and you look beautiful, even though I can't really see or hear because my senses have been dulled by painkillers, but it was fantastic. Got any oxycontin?"

Simon's laughing at her hat. He has to be.

Here we see Paula in the video for "Rush Rush" with Keanu Reeves. So not only did she give us Janet Jackson, she gave us Keanu, too. Thanks a lot Paula.

Simon: "Maybe if I squeeze her enough, I'll crush her voicebox and she'll shut up."
Randy: "You can cut the sexual tension with a knife... Ew."

Paula: "You better believe I'm on oxycontin!"

This just in, Paula Abdul's breast escapes, launches solo career. Doesn't get past the first auditions in American Idol.

w3rd

2005-04-04T00:43:00.000-04:00

All I have to say is this:

"My black is blacker than your black. I call it "black black."

2005-04-04T00:30:00.000-04:00

So, if you were to mosey on over to Rob's Blog, you would see a link to a "What Type of Lesbian Stereotype Are You?" quiz. So, y'know, I took the quiz out of curiosity (I've always wondered what type of lesbian stereotype I was - I mean, who hasn't?), and I got...

Goth.

Yes, as in PAIN GOTH. Fuck. My precious ego.

People, just because I like black and dyed my hair black a few years ago and now can't get it out without killing my hair DOES NOT MAKE ME GOTH. GAH!

In other news, I think this is damn funny.

"I"m so goth, I'm catholic."

LIFE IS PAIN!

Hullabalooza

2005-04-04T00:28:00.000-04:00

http://www.nme.com/news/111872.htm

Perry, hun, it's dead. LET IT GO.

Die American Idol. DIE.

2005-04-04T00:03:00.000-04:00

Top ten reasons why I hate American Idol:

Paula Abdul
One of the last few times I had to watch it, I had to watch someone cover "Total Eclipse of the Heart". Yes. The Bonnie Tyler song. And the judges said it was good!
Ryan Seacrest. Not only is he a midget, he's an annoying midget.
You can't be an American Idol if you have a police record, which is absurd because as we all know, all the best celebrities have records.
Paula Abdul
It's on, like, eight times a goddamn week.
The clothes the idols wear while performing. Who dresses these people! I would like to know what drugs they were on when deciding to wear this, this, this, this, this, and this. And then get me some so I can stand looking at them.
Clay Aiken
The show is essentially a kleenex box for new, media friendly, franchise creating, money magnet pop stars. It's a goddamn assembly line.
And the big reason that I hate American Idol, my friends, is of course, none other than PAULA ABDUL. I wish I had a job where I could get paid millions of dollars to sit and watch people sing and then tell them how good they are - even if they suck. And then use it as a launching pad for a revival of my dead, hopeless career. That'd be sweet.